Okay, so I am having a difficult time. Again. Peaks and valleys. I love riding the peaks so much! When you hit the valley floor, and look up at the mountain you've got to climb, sometimes it seems impossible.I put so much responsibility on myself. Be a great mom. Be a great racer. Be a fantastic massage therapist, personal trainer, healthy chef, etc. etc. It is a balancing act. You would think that knowing and trying to do all of the healthy things I know that I would never get sick. Unfortunately I am. The problem is I don't look sick. I am very good at acting and pretending everything is fine. Ending up in hospital again finally gave it away to a lot of people including myself.It is a good thing I am a fighter. But this one is proving to be a tough battle. I really really like to win. Unfortunately I am losing this one. I have had to retreat for a while and make a new plan. The one I was following, race and pretend I'm not suffering isn't working anymore. One of the toughest things at the moment is backing down early in the season. I am injured (achilles is still bothering me) and I have some scary things going on with my abdominal region and my teeth that have taken a change for the worse. With a broken heart, I have had to back way down from training and it looks as though I am not going to be able to race my Xterra Nationals or Xduro trail run nationals.I am keeping my Xterra Worlds slot hoping things will turn around by then. I am doing everything I can to get better. Hopefully if I get my health turned around I will finally be able to race again as I know I can. I have silently struggled for eight years thinking I could manage things by myself and fix myself. I am learning that sometimes instead of being the one who takes care of my world, I need to accept help too.Lessons in letting go, pride, being a human (I keep hoping I'm invincible--nope), learning to embrace different emotions, facing fear. Wow. Just when I thought I was reaching a peak. I lost my footing and hit the valley hard. Luckily I have yoga. I have some friends who are trying to understand, I have sunshine, my son, I can still ride---just a little slower. I can still work. I can face each day one at a time and focus on healing.Art, Ramon, and many others keep reminding me that I can either keep racing sick and continue to get weaker, perhaps never recover, or I can be brave and face everything and trust and prove I can be healthy. Then I can race like I used to years ago.It is just so funny how I realize how much I love to compete in my triathlons, cycling, and running events. When I can't race, I feel like I've lost my best friend.